this is my fight

the end.

2010-06-21T00:33:00.002+08:00

i have decided to stop taking meds and stop seeing my doc.

i find it highly frustrating n irritating to eat meds every night.

i am ok.

so this is how this story, and this blog, ends.

my final entry.

juz like to thank everyone for their support and being my audience.

PeaS

hello

2010-06-18T01:19:00.001+08:00

just saying hi. will blog properly another day. hehe

untitled

2010-04-04T15:03:00.000+08:00

exit stage right.

Marcos Hernandez - If You Were Mine

2010-04-01T14:55:00.001+08:00

[Chorus:]
If you were mine,
I'd be your everything and you'd be the only thing that I would ever need
If you were mine,
I would tell everyone that you are the only one that I could ever want

Ohhh Yeaaa
Everything I dreamed about
Everything that I talked about
One thing I can't live without
I wanna get closer to you
Can't stand being far away
Knowing that you don't feel the same way
Questioning bring tears to your eyes

[Chorus:]
If you were mine,
I be your your everything and you be the only thing that I would ever need
If you were mine,
I would tell everyone that you are the only one that I could ever want

Ohhh Yeaaa
All words I sing about
All that is that I write about
Only thing I wanna hear about
So that I can get closer to you
I know that there is someone else, but he's only thinking of himself
Doesn't make any sense for you to be lonely

[Chorus:]
If you were mine,
I be your your everything and you be the only thing that I would ever need
If you were mine,
I would tell everyone that you are the only one that I could ever want

Ohhh Yeaaa
Let me be the one to share your hopes and dreams with
You'll never be alone again, cuz' I will hold you endlessly
Please don't be afraid to let your brokenheart guide you
Into these open arms that long to surround you, baby!!

[Chorus:]
If you were mine,
I be your your everything and you be the only thing that I would ever need
If you were mine,
I would tell everyone that you are the only one that I could ever want

[Repeat Chorus:]

Smoking - Reasons

2010-02-12T12:30:00.002+08:00

so i had another smoking relapse. but i will try quitting again.

New Quit Date: 15 February 2009, Monday.

a)Reasons why/Times when i smoke:

1)when i wake up in the morning i reach for a cigarette cos i think it helps me wake up

2)meals feel more complete with a cigarette after

3)to kill time (between classes, waiting for people etc)

4)after class/completing an assignment

b)Reasons why I WANT TO QUIT:

short term

1)to stop the chest pains

2)to improve my stamina

3)to remove that look on dina's face

4)save money!

5)smell nicer!

long term

1)to increase my chances of living longer, free of smoking related diseases

2)save money!

3)healthier environment for my future family

how to deal with (a):

1)shower in mum's bathroom right after i wake up (cos kitchen bathroom is a smoking zone)

2)eat lighter meals, more frequently (cos the urge to smoke is directly proportional to how filling the meal is)

3)eat sweets/mints n listen to music, do tutorials/assignments/study, go for run/cycle.

4)drink fruit juice

i currently smoke 2 packs of rolling cigs a wk @ $10/pack. so that's a potential saving of $20/wk.

i will reward myself for every week i stay smoke free using the money that i save from not buying cigs. first wk's reward: i'm open to suggestions.

i will buy a diary and keep track of my smoking craving timings and how i dealt with it.

I AM VERY EXCITED TO QUIT! THIS IS HOW I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW! I CAN DO IT! I BELIEVE I CAN! SYAFIQ, YOU CAN DO IT!

Raffles Hall Coaching

2010-02-11T12:17:00.002+08:00

so the ihg floorball season is over. i juz want to say i'm proud of my team (both guys and girls) for the way they have played. they showed character, strength, even when the odds were against them. i have much to learn from their fighting spirit. there is tons of potential in the team. i hope i can continue to guide them along their path to fulfilling that full potential. anyway, i emailed them my coaching experience and was surprised with 2 thank you replies. not to mention the personal thank you from lloyd right after the defeat to kr. it certainly took the blow off the defeat. i wanna post the thank yous here for me to look back and be proud that i am able to achieve something especially when the chips are down. the long nights of coaching plus training plus tuition plus night classes really took a toll on my body physically. i am now below 80kg for the first time in a yr?2yrs? so, here's the replies:

"Awwwww that was such a sweet letter!

We love you too, syafiq. ^_________^

with your (then) unbroken voice screeching during trainings, the SM tendencies and missing word mistakes. ;DDD you're awesome!"

-nellyn

"Hi syafiq,

I just wanted to thank you personally (as personal as email gets haha) for taking up the challenge of being our coach. From my point of view, of having played floorball for rh since the beginning 3 years ago, your coaching has definitely been a good thing for the team - so you dont need to apologise for anything. Our first year with no coaching, we without a doubt played as individuals,, there was literally no team work to speak of. Last year with weiliang's leadership we faired better But this year although the result was worse than last year, i dare say that i had a more fulfilling floorball experience than the previous years. This is because i at least learnt strategy and tactics and was given a chance to build up a bigger repatoire of skills. This is what i think a real player is interested in - to learn and to improve. You came up with a structured training programme, taught us to play together, and basically did everything a coach could or should have done. So for that leme hand out a prize too:-

Best Coach 2010 Syafiq!

Haha cu around "

-moses

i really want to coach n play for raffles hall again next yr.

hope things can be sorted out.

oh tampines east knights approached me to coach, play, captain(maybe?) them for the coming div2 season. i weighed my options, and chose to accept their approach cos i think i can make more difference playing for them than playing for saints. problem is they train 3-7pm on sundays at tampines. raffles have training 2-6pm on sundays at nus. i'm in a dilemma. i want to take both teams. but i can't be at 2 places at once. how? i'm open to suggestions.

cold turkey day 4

2010-02-04T23:58:00.002+08:00

day 4 started off pretty much the same as day 3 but the urge to smoke was even more intense. i managed to hold on for half the day but alas the urge juz got the better of me n i bought a pack of rolling cigs n lighter from 7-11 at dover during my break between lectures and smoked one stick. while smoking, i thought to myself (smokers like to think while smoking):

having others supporting u in ur bid to quit smoking helps u remain focused on ur goal but u should not rely heavily on that support cos at the end of the day, it's ur own body that's at stake so it's ur own personal fight. rather, u should rely on ur own willpower, desire to quit smoking n strength of mind to pull u thru especially when others are not around to help. the mind is much stronger than the body. doing sports (physical trainings) taught me that. the feeling after completing a highly strenuous physical training is immensely satisfying and the way to complete it is to keep in mind that satisfying feeling while going thru with the training.

then my dear gf sent me an article about quitting smoking. in it was a quote:

"One cigarette doesn't make me a smoker - I am a Non-Smoker, who had ONE cigarette and I am not going to have another one!"

the article, especially the quote, inspired me a lot and psyched me back up to want to quit again n treat that stick that i had as a minor slip up. i threw away the pack at the next available opportunity after reading the article. so that one stick cost me $9.80. pretty expensive u might say? but i know i will save a lot more than the $9.80 in the long run when i successfully quit smoking for good.

another quote: "u are not a failure. u are a failure only if u stop trying." - by dearest gf

so that is what my 4 days of cold turkey has taught me so far. i guess the relying on myself part can also be used for my illness. i should rely on my own strength more than hoping for others to help me. but first, i must believe that i am no longer depressed. i do believe that. i do believe that when a stressful situation comes, i will not be sucked into another relapse but have the necessary skills to cope with the stressors.

final note: the mind is always stronger than the body. remember that.

cold turkey day 3

2010-02-03T13:00:00.003+08:00

getting very very lethargic, no mood/energy to do anything.

but i have ppl giving me moral support.

i'm doing this for myself.

for my own health.

i will come out a stronger, healthier person.

together

2009-12-04T11:27:00.002+08:00

it's official. we're together =) nobody has ever made me happy the way she does. getting lost in her eyes, it's such a wonderful feeling. now i juz have to sort out my academic future. do i stay in nus n struggle for the next 2yrs? or do i try to apply to ntu and have fun learning but for twice the amount of time? she says she needs time to prepare for marriage and she's willing to wait for me. i can't ask for more. but even if i somehow grad from nus, i'll still need 1-2yrs to save up for marriage. plus, i'll be so stressed while in nus there's high chance of me relapsing again n again. so i think i'm gonna apply to nie when applications open in feb/mar next yr. i really hope they will accept me this time.

i love u, Dina.

fort minor - the hard way

2009-11-14T21:00:00.001+08:00

Come with me
Let me walk you through the world that I currently stay in
You can take a look around and tell me if I'm mistaken
You can meet and talk to everybody that I live with
Maybe you can tell me why everybody's so distant
Is it me or maybe, when I look around daily
I don't even know the people I can put my trust in lately
People that I used to hang with now they're acting’ so different
I'm still the same person why doesn't anybody listen
Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
Right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I'm losin’ hope

[chorus]
Deafening voices
That frequency inside my head that says
I'm going at it the hard way I focus
Get everything inside out of my brain that claims
I'm going at it the hard way

Come with me
Let me walk you through the world that I currently live in
Not a thing is forgotten, not a thing is forgiven
Nobody can hold their own underneath the weight but
Nobody can take the blame for their own mistakes so
What do you do when somebody lets you down
And you wanna say something but you can’t 'cause they're not around
Inside you think they know the extent of the pain
But they won’t even admit that they were the one to blame
Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
'cause right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I'm losin’ hope

[chorus]

Voices (voices) in my head (in my head)

Can somebody please just explain to me
What happened to the way that we always said we’d be
Right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I'm losin’ hope, GIVE ME ONE REASON NOT TO!

updates

2009-08-11T19:08:00.000+08:00

wow. it's been 3 months since my last post. about time i updated this blog. juz wanna mention 2 things today. relief teaching and love. i'll start with relief teaching coz it's shorter. here it is...

had my first ever real job recently. relief teaching at acs barker. for 3 whole weeks. it's a really eye-opening experience. some of it i expected, some were not. waking up at 530 everyday is real challenge and one i must consider before i take up teaching for good. even with a half day job which ends at 230, it was really very tiring. when i got home i fell asleep almost immediately. shouting is a necessity especially when teaching curious young immature boys. but having played the games with them, bonding with them, learning their names, i grew to love the job even more. i didn't have a second academic subject so there was no marking to do and all that. i think it would be more challenging with a second subject. the best part is when a student genuinely thanks u. and says things like "u're my favourite teacher". of cos it's quite biased since i was free to let them play whatever they wanted to while a normal teacher would need to follow a lesson plan. all in all, i must say the experience was a positive one and i can't wait to be a full time pe teacher.

now on to the subject of love. i found what i thought i would never be able to. i found love. actually, love found me. love is strange. when u search for it, u won't find it. but when u don't, it suddenly finds u. i embarked on what i thought was a friendship but before i knew it i was entangled in a love triangle. words cannot fully describe how i feel about her but i shall try. when i see her, my heart races and i become very nervous yet when i'm with her i can be myself without needing to think about what she would think or how to impress her. when i look into her eyes, time stands still and i get lost in them. when i hold her hand, every cell in my body tells me that it's right and i never want to let go. there's so much more i want to say but i can't for now. every night i go to sleep wondering if i'll wake up to see her again. every morning i wake up and thank God for bringing me one day closer to being with her. right now things are very complicated. she just broke up with her bf whom her mum likes alot. but i believe that if i was given the chance to be with her, i won't mess things up like i did in previous relationships. the love i feel for her grows stronger by the day, with every difficulty that comes our way. all i need is one chance. to prove that i'm the one for her. coz i know deep in my heart that she's the one for me. i may have lacked security and always needed reassurances from her but all that will change in time to come when i can finally say she's mine. right now what she needs from me is patience. the patience to wait for the right time. the time for me to declare outright my love for her. her name is Dina.

to Dina:

i'm sorry for being so insecure. for always needing reassurances. i'm sorry for rushing you to do certain things. i just want you to know that i have never and will never ask from you that which i will not do for you myself. i just want you to know that i will always love you no matter how this journey ends. i promise to you that i will do everything in my power, whatever it takes, for us to be together as long as it remains our common goal. but if one day, if you find that your love for me has faded or that you have found somebody who makes you more happy than i do, please let me know. your happiness is what matters most to me. i love you.

welcome home (sanitarium)

2009-05-23T12:43:00.002+08:00

last post was when i was in hospital with nothing to do. beautiful song tho. was discharged 3 days later. had interview at MOE the following day. spent 2 weeks preparing for PE physical proficiency test which was held yesterday in the blistering heat. i think i did ok for the ppt. i really hope i pass and get accepted into NIE. although i have a gut feeling i may not be accepted cos i'm still technically a student at NUS. if only they allow me to quit NUS after being accepted into NIE. everything would fall into place very nicely. i'll have something to live for once again. a brighter future. one i'm more willing to work hard and be more determined to fulfill. tho the whole thing will last EiGHT years including bond. that's a freaking long time la. but if i do get in then i'm gonna make sure history doesn't repeat itself. for one, i'll be doing something i have passion for instead of something i seemed to be good at. for two, i'll be paid and school fees sponsored unless i fail and then have my contract terminated which then means i'll have to pay them back everything which would be a lot of money. i really want a new start.

floorball league has started. 4 games played, 1 win and 3 defeats. opening day loss to moosemen 1-5 followed by midweek defeat to nemesis 1-2 which we could have and probably should have gotten a result then a victory against victoria school 6-3 which i scored my first ever div 1 goal after capt renji relayed a pass to me from a free hit and ended the game with a clean sheet with my defensive partner. then another midweek match against merahans ended in a dissappointing 0-13 thrashing. our worst performance to date. everybody seemed to be one step slower than the opponents. me n my partner conceded the bulk of the goals i think. anyway my partner for this season is javier, a newbie who isn't really a noob. played floorball before nus if i remember correctly. so far we've had good understanding and communication except for the mauling. before the start of every match he'd say "protect me" and i'll laugh. i think he's capable of protecting himself and has put in quite reasonable performances so far. i'll continue to impart whatever knowledge and experience i have on him. i think he has potential. the highlight of saints 09 so far has been the transformation of khairul into a powerful attacking force. he's our top scorer right now having scored 3 goals in the 2 games he's played. if all goes according to plan, we could finish mid-table instead of battling to beat the drop on the final day of the season.

ok next match is not our fight. against zarf. later at 6. come down to support saints! we'll be trying very hard to work on our weaknesses (which i won't say here in case there are spies. haha) and we'll do our best to keep the score more respectable than merahans match.

oh on the finance side, i was contemplating buying fatpipe bow vs iphone. i went for the latter. since my stick has served me well. i'll buy the bow if and when my curve breaks. it's been getting some major slashes recently. heart painnnn....

nine inch nails - hurt

2009-05-01T14:01:00.002+08:00

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

fear, three days grace - animal i have become

2009-03-26T17:21:00.004+08:00

i'm filled with fear. i'm so scared of everything. i'm very afraid that i won't be able to recover. that i'll be this messed up the rest of my life. i can feel people moving away from me. they're so fed up with the way i am. with who i am now. but the real me is not this way. i wish they could understand that. the real me would never have raised his voice towards his mother. yesterday was a really miserable day. i was so filled with angst. every little thing made me so irritated. i was at the point of breaking down with tears. yet tears never seem to be able to fall. it all gets sucked back in within me. kept within me. unable to let it out. every day more and more darkness fill my soul. i have become an animal (refer to lyrics below).

i feel as though nobody understands me. like nobody can. and it feels so lonely. going through all of this by myself. having to deal with the self-destructive side of me. all by myself. can somebody help me? can someone show me the light at the end of this dark tunnel? can somebody save me from this misery. day after day, i'm closer to bringing an end to this suffering. by myself. end it all. sometimes i don't understand why i don't just do it.

I can't escape this hell
So many times i've tried
But i'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal, this animal)
I can't escape myself
(I can't escape myself)
So many times i've lied
(So many times i've lied)
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell
(This animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal)
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal I have become)

voices

2009-03-16T12:11:00.002+08:00

been hearing my dad's voice over the past week. sometimes he'll say things like he misses me, how am i which is comforting. sometimes he'll say things like he wants to meet me which makes me rather fearful. like the only way to meet him is slash my wrists and bleed to death. sometimes i cannot make out whether he's still alive somewhere and i start to wonder why he doesn't want to come home. i was on the brink of total losing myselfness at a point near last weekend. i really wanted to go "meet" him. i don't know what stopped me. i just couldn't go through with it. my mind was so cluttered. so many crazy things just fill the mind with insanity.

i might request to see the doc later today. my life is a mess. will i ever be alright.

heart

2009-02-25T16:18:00.004+08:00

quite a lot of things have happened this past week. i shall blog in chronological order.

last tuesday, last week, not yesterday, went girls training to loosen up as i was feeling rather tense and worked up. about what i cannot remember already. must have been the usual stuff. but that's not the point. the point is, after training i had one of the best hours of my life to date. just the two of us, eating and talking as though we've known each other forever. she put a smile in my heart. and before i knew what was happening, my life felt complete again. as though she's the one thing i've been searching for all this while.

the next day, wednesday, she came for guys training cos she was to go trials for national women's team that weekend. she wanted to train. to not be afraid of her opponents. we didnt go makan after that tho. she said she needed to go home. but a meeting was booked for friday for durians! had a craving for durians at that time.

nothing much happened on thursday except i tried to sms and call her a few times to confirm the next day's meeting. yet she didnt reply or return my calls. i wondered what could have happened to her.

friday came. still no answer in the morning. then around noon she replied. her phone was rather spoilt so she couldn't reply earlier. okay, so i thought. but she had also forgotten about our durian outing. sadness engulfed me. she was to meet her gf. friday night, relatives from kl and brunei came to stay for the weekend. they reached at 10pm, about an hour late, by train. klassik choochoo train.

saturday, dropped my relatives off at suntec city for them to go sightseeing the whole day then i went for training. she didn't come for training cos i suppose she wanted to rest before her trials. after training, sms-ed her about the trials. no reply.

sunday, took my relatives out for the day. first we went to mint museum of toys at seah street. will upload photos on facebook. pretty cool stuff there. they have like really old school toys and some of them can fetch US$5000 per toy. amazing. after that we headed to suntec city where they continued on their second day of the package thingy they signed up for including duck tour, hippo bus ride etc. in the mean time mum and i went roaming around suntec. rendezvous with them around 3pm, had quick lunch then off to i can't remember where. but at night we went to vivocity for dinner. oh we went sim lim square. they wanted to look for psp and digicam. the kids were supposed to get to play at the wading pool at vivo but by the time we got there it was already late so we only had enough time to eat before the place closed. headed home after a long twelve hour outing. fell asleep when the traffic light was red. haha first time i fell asleep while driving.

monday. another day of outings with them. but not as long as the day before cos they had to catch the 10pm train back. i really miss the kids. especially amber. she's so cute and talkative and very smart for a 3 year old. very naughty too! haha. how i miss them all. only have photos left of them.

lets get down to the main point of this post. i think i have finally found what i've been looking for. her. she makes my life complete. HOWEVER, she isn't replying my msg or returning my calls! maybe i expressed my feelings too early for her to accept them. but she didn't say a thing when i did (by sms, cos i couldnt see her). i feel i need to see her, talk to her, straighten things out. but i don't know when i can see her again. she didn't go training yesterday and there might not be training this saturday so i really don't know when i can see her again. i have so many questions in my mind which need answering and i'm not sure what i should do. (MS, a lil help please?) how i feel about her is best described by this chris brown song. of cos some parts are deleted cos they don't apply.

with you - chris brown

2009-02-25T16:06:00.005+08:00

I need you boo, (oh)
I gotta see you boo (hey)
And the hearts all over the world tonight,
Said the hearts all over the world tonight [x2]
[Verse 1]
Hey! Little mama,Ooh, you're a stunner
Hot..little figure,Yes, you're a winner
~~And I'm so glad to be yours~~,
You're a class all your own
And..
Oh, little cutie
When..you talk to me
I swear..the whole world stops
You're my sweetheart
~~And I'm so glad that you are mine~~
You are one of a kind and..
[Bridge]
You mean to me
What I mean to you and..
Together baby,
There is nothing we won't do
'cause if I got you,
I don't need money,
I don't need cars,
Girl, you're my all.And..
[Chorus:]
Oh!I'm into you,
And girl,
No one else would do,
~~'cause with every kiss and every hug~~,
You make me fall in love,
And now I know I can't be the only one,
I bet there heart's all over the world tonight,
With the love of they life who feel..
Wat I feel when I'm
With you [x5]
Girl..
With you [x5]
[Verse 2]
Oh girl!
I don't want nobody else,
Without you, there's no one left then,
You're like Jordans on Saturday,
I gotta have you and I cannot wait now,
Hey! Little shawty,
Say you care for me,
You know I care for you,
You know...that I'll be true,
You know that I won't lie,
You know that I would try,
To be your everything..yeah..
[Bridge]
'cause if I got you,
I don't need money,
I don't need cars,
Girl, you're my all.And..
[Chorus]
With you [x5]
Oh..
With you [x5]
Yeah Heh..
[Bridge 2]
And I..
Will never try to deny,
that you're my whole life,
'cause if you ever let me go,
I would die..
So I won't front,
I don't need another woman,
I just need your all and nothing,
'cause if I got that,
Then I'll be straight
Baby, you're the best part of my day

I need you boo,
I gotta see you boo
And the hearts all over the world tonight,
Said the hearts all over the world tonight [x2]
Woo Oh.. Yeah
They need it boo,
They gotta see their boo,
Said the hearts all over the world tonight,
Hearts all over the world tonight [x2]
[Chorus]
With you [x5]
Girl..
With you [x5]
Oh..

tiger lily by matchbook romance

2009-02-18T14:27:00.002+08:00

we drive tonight,
and you are by my side.
We're talking about our lives,
like we've known each other forever.
the time flies by,
with the sound of your voice.
its close to paradise,
with the end surely near.

and if i could only stop the car
and hold onto you,
and never let go (and never let go)
i'll never let go (i'll never let go)
as we round the cornerto your house
you turned to me and said,
"i'll be going through withdrawal of you for this one night we have spent."
and, i want to speak these words
but i guess i'll just bite my tongue,
and accept "someday, somehow"
as the words that we'll hang from.

and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.
'cause i ('cause i..), i don't want to make things any worse.
and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.
'cause i, i don't want to make things any worse.

why does tonight, have to end?
why don't we hit restart,
and pause it at our favorite parts.
we'll skip the goodbyes.
if i had it my way,
i'd turn the car around and runaway,
just you and i.

and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.
'cause i ('cause i..), i don't want to make things any worse. (any worse)
and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words
'cause i, i don't want to make things
and i, i don't want to make things any worse

-end-
something i never thought could happen. will it happen again?

please specify

2009-02-15T00:36:00.004+08:00

a few days ago, i felt like giving up. i was on the brink of destruction. almost at the point of no return. that was before i had a good chat with my counsellor. his words opened my mind like a can of sardines opened by a can opener. he made me realise that i've put in so much effort for the past 5 months or so in recovering. no doubt the situation changed recently. but i have grown as a person and done too much to just throw it all away by doing something silly.

there's something deep within me that is missing. i don't know what it is yet. i desperately want to know what it is. but it seems the questions i have been asking myself were too vague. i need to be more specific. i think i want somebody to be there for me all the time. not all the time kinda all the time. like whenever i'm in need, he/she is just an sms away. people are taking super long to reply no thanks to their busy schedules. i want somebody to accompany me drink teh tarik. i dont like drinking alone. and while drinking, talk about life in general. someone with wisdom to share. like my late father. maybe i've been looking for someone to replace a certain somebody i let go of many many years ago. so far nobody has been able to replace that person in my heart. my dad came closest during his last days with me. now the void is resurfacing. who might u be? i wonder..

anyways i found a super duper beautiful song. bittersweet by apocalypto featuring ville of HIM and lauri of the rasmus. super beautiful. love the melody. been listening to it on loop for the past 2 hours. and the song lasts 4min 26sec. haha

there's something else i wanna blog about but just can't remember what it is. next time then.

"she is the one that i adore, creed of my silent suffocation"

seize the day - avenged sevenfold

2009-02-10T15:47:00.004+08:00

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
These streets we travel on will undergo our same lost past

I found you here, now please just stay for a while
I can move on with you around
I hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?
I'd do anything for a smile, holding you 'til our time is done
We both know the day will come, but I don't want to leave you

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
(a melody, a memory, or just one picture)

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

Newborn life replacing life, replacing all of us, changing this fable we live in
No longer needed here so where should we go?
Will you take a journey tonight, follow me past the walls of death?
But girl, what if there is no eternal life?

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
(a melody, a memory, or just one picture)

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
Its empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real

So, what if I never hold you, or kiss you lips again?
I never want to leave you and the memories for us to see
I beg don't leave me

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
Its empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real

(Silence you lost me, no chance for one more day)
I stand here alone
Falling away from you, no chance to get back home

lonely

2009-02-04T02:31:00.002+08:00

been feeling ever so lonely of late. not that i haven't been feeling lonely for the past 6months or so. just that, ever since my dad passed away, i have to spend the daytime all by myself. used to have him for company cos he worked nights on the new flight schedule so he'll be around at home in the day and many afternoons we spent chilling out drinking teh tarik. he introduced me to teh tarik drinking a couple of years back. now, when i have the urge to drink teh tarik in the afternoon, which is quite often btw, i usually end up drinking alone. which sucks shit. i'll always be thinking of him when i'm at our usual haunts and for that period of time that i'm there i can't help but to be emo and listen to emo songs. all this has made me realise how much i took him, his presence, for granted. i never thought he'd go so early. i always thought he'll be there on my graduation, on my wedding, playing with my children his grandchildren. i'm still in some shock cos he passed away so suddenly. i remember the last day we spent together like it was yesterday. he came home from work around noon, i borrowed the car to go buy tickets for the singapore vietnam suzuki cup semifinal with my cuz. after buying the tickets we went back to my place and he was doing his office work in the living room. at around five, he sent my mother to work on the way to his office and that was the last time i spoke to him, kissed his hand. i wish i had hugged him. his last words to me, just like any other day he'd leave for work, were "take care".

i don't know how long more i can put up this brave front. i'm crumbling inside. it's like a disease which eats the life out of you from inside. like my previous blog "death from within". but i guess there's a reason why this blog is called "this is my fight". this IS my fight. to overcome the challenges that i face. like depression. it'd be so easy to fall back into a depressed mode but i'm trying my very best to move on and live life to the fullest. because what i've learnt from my dad's passing is that life is VERY short and u never know when your time will come to leave this material world and enter the afterlife. it's a painful lesson but pain with purpose.

i really need a long chat with someone but i don't know how to say what i need to say, hence, this entry. talk to me if u have the time. maybe i can help with some of your own problems.

new year

2009-01-30T21:35:00.003+08:00

a new year, a new beginning. i hope so. been missing him alot lately. i miss him so so so soooo much. sometimes i wish i could juz let out my feelings inside but i can't. for some reason i just can't. along with the feelings that's bottled up inside, i have a bigger gaping hole in my heart. haiz. what is the meaning of true happiness?

ivp season has ended. we got third. finally a medal for nus floorball after a barren 3,4,5 years. how much did i play? first match: 5 seconds (okay la maybe 10). second and third matches: bench warmer. semis: one shift of 2 minutes box play (was totally unexpected). 3rd/4th placing: 2 periods. i think i had a good game in the 3rd/4th placing match. made one really crucial tackle when one-on-one with a certain national forward =) how i missed timing my tackles to perfection. it has to be said, only after the final match did i feel like i deserve to win something out of this ivp cos i had been barely involved in the previous matches. i would have liked to play more but other defenders were performing better during training. to wrap up ivp, i hope i don't get to play under coach ever again!haha his pr skills are just... bare.

skool has restarted. i'm already lagging behind in most of my modules. at least two of them i've been lost since day one. still early to say but i have my reservations about whether i can pass all the modules this semester. looks more and more likely i'll have to extend by at least another semester. to end off:

what is the meaning of true happiness?

dad. i love you.

2008-12-31T05:08:00.003+08:00

my beloved dad passed away on 23dec tuesday at 1132am. he was 55. cause of death is massive stroke. it was the "special" thing that i had been feeling was going to happen. if only i knew. there's alot of things i want to say to him and do with him and seek his forgiveness. he had gone to work as usual on friday 5pm. supposed to be at work by 8pm but didn't turn up. the next day after he didnt return from work around noon my mum called his office. his boss said he didn't turn up for work and thought he was at home sick. at 6pm we received a call saying he was in tan tock seng hospital icu. he was brought to the hospital by ambulance around 1pm. which means he suffered the stroke between 5-8pm on friday but someone only found him and called ambulance on saturday 1pm. that's almost 1 whole day! on the first day of hospitalisation when we just reached, we tried speaking to him. we saw him struggle to open his eyes but he just could not open them. then there were physical struggles like kicking about as though he was in great pain. the doctor explained to us on that day that he had suffered massive stroke (the whole of his left brain was affected and was swollen) and chances of recovery were very slim. as the day went by his condition got worse and he fell into a coma-like state. we slept at the hospital for the time being, not knowing what could happen and hoping for a miracle that he would wake up. sunday came, his condition got worse. monday, it got even more worse. tuesday morning we met with the doctor as usual and he said the same thing, his condition is worse. at 1132am he passed. my brother was by his bedside when it happened. so that was what happened.

i would like to thank all who have helped, prayed for him and supported us during this trying times. there's still a lot of grief within me that i am unable to express. i just hope it doesn't cause me to implode and depress again. for the time being i'm being strong for my mum and bro. however, i feel that as the days go by my strength is fading away. but i know, like what this blog is about, that this is my fight. i have to go on fighting for my loved ones.

on a brighter note, i made it into the ivp team. but for the time being i'm in line 3. i was hoping to make it to line 2 but nevermind. as long as i'm part of the team and not the supporting contingent like the past 2 years when ivp comes. ivp starts on monday 5jan. so fast.

fail

2008-12-11T15:38:00.003+08:00

exams sucked. i think i'm gonna fail 3 mods including the 2 math mods i took this sem. haha math major failing his math mods. wts. argh i don't wanna think about exams stuff anymore till results are out on 23rd.

lately been feeling okay. mood back up to normal range. that's good i guess. i can't help thinking that something special is gonna happen soon. my intuition says so. my intuition is always wrong. haha. perhaps i'm gonna fail exams that's what's gonna happen. so i'd better enjoy this holidays as much as i can and i intend to.

training for ivp will be 4 times a week starting next week. got a friendly against ntu next wednesday. if coach comes down and settles the lines then it'll be a good gauge of where i stand in the team right now and how much work needs to be done. right now i feel like i'm number 6 or 7 in the pecking order. hope to get up to four by ivp. work starts now though. actually yesterday. had physical training. though i've been running regularly during the exam break, i wasn't prepared for the hilly roads of nus. the up slopes totally killed me man. but i went through with it and walked less than before which is good i guess. after training 5 of us ordered pizza and ate our stomachs out. haha gained back all the weight lost during pt.

i'm watching by the side as she goes on with her happy life and her happy other half. i can only think of the 'if only'. give it 5 years max and she'll be gone from my life forever. in the mean time, i'll just have to rilek one korner, as always, till the day comes.

good

2008-11-16T11:08:00.003+08:00

a first positive post in some time..

the past couple of days have been good. let's start with today and go backwards. ok so today i woke up at 8am after sleeping for just 4 hours. just couldn't sleep maybe because i was rather high on saturday but more of that later. so there i was 8 plus nothing to do so i decided to go for a run. yes a run. been a long time since i last went for a run on my own and i thought, oh well since i have nothing better to do other than study for exams which at that point in time i wasn't in the mood to do so i just went to run. managed to run 2.4km. timing sucked though. 16mins. rough timing as i was using my ipod clock. forgot that my ipod has a stopwatch. maybe next time i'll remember. and next time will either be tomorrow or tuesday depending on whether i can wake up early again and be in the mood for running. i want to keep myself fit while training is suspended for exams. i hope i can keep on waking up early for morning runs till at least ivp.

i really want to make it for this year's ivp team. especially after the nightmare of last year having my spot in the team snatched away at the last moment no thanks to depression. i missed a lot of trainings and was very unfit, needless to say i lacked match fitness. so this year i want to make things right. however, my performances in training recently have dipped and it's causing me to lose interest in the game. and i'm also not accepting criticism correctly, positively. maybe after a few weeks break without floorball my desire to play will return. one thing that i feel is lacking in this year's team though is encouragement. there's hell lot of criticism everywhere but i feel that putting your thoughts in terms of encouragement would be a better way than to just criticise despite your good intentions. i don't know. maybe i'm being biased.

anyway, yesterday, saturday, 15 nov 2008. was a wonderful day. not long after i woke up, i checked my nus mail to find that the lecturer for probability had uploaded the midterm scores. first i read the average mark. 65. standard deviation 25. so if my interpretation is correct, the midterm scores across the board was between 40 to 90. i remember telling myself if i can get close to the 65 average that'd be fine. so off i went to check my score. 84. EIGHTY-FOUR!!! i couldn't believe my eyes! i'm just 6 marks off the top score! i went into delirium! never in my wildest dreams could i have imagined i would score so high for a module my assistant dean told me a year ago is the hardest level 2000 maths module. haha i still can't believe it. but to get my feet back on the ground i reminded myself that i failed my other maths module. linear algebra 2 got 14/40. i didn't prepare well for that test. i just wished that the probability midterm weightage was more than its 30%. now i'm confident of getting an A or at least a B for it. imagine me getting an A. it'll be my first in uni. but now it's my best chance and i want to prepare well for the exam.

so with the high spirits early on in the day, i got some work done by printing out all the notes that i needed for the 4 modules left which means admin stuff is done for the exams just need to study. then, night came and with that the premier league match between my beloved manchester united vs stoke city. i read the papers earlier in the day predicting a big 5-0 win for man utd. being the pessimist, i doubted man u would be able to score that many eventhough they were playing at home against a newly promoted side. i just hoped for a win. so the match started and after just a few minutes man u took the lead via a cristiano ronaldo trademark freekick. awesome. could they really go on to score 5?the half went on with no real threat on the stoke goal till near halftime when carrick scored. great timing for the goals so far. one when the match just started, one close to halftime. second half. within a few minutes united scored again! 3-0! really, could they score 5?? goal number 4 came towards the end of the match. great goal by welbeck a future prospect. so i thought okay 4-0 is good. but just a few minutes later ronaldo came up to score another freekick. this time curling around the wall instead of blasting through it which i think caught the keeper off guard. wow! it really happened! 5-0! woohoo!! but that's not the end of it, i switched to the arsenal match and saw arsenal trailing 0-2 to aston villa at 91mins. oh yeah! sweet revenge! pity my cousin who must have been cursing at the result. so that was the end of the high day. haha. just couldn't sleep after that.

backtrack to friday. whoa this is getting really long. i just want to talk about friday night. 5 cousins (+1 girlfriend) out to celebrate my brother and my birthday. went to the mind cafe at boat quay. played several games including pictionary which was quite fun. it amazes me how different people interpret things differently and draw. haha. then there was a 'shooting' game. not really shooting, just pointing the toy gun at whoever you want to shoot. almost won that game till i was shot in the last round. haha.

ok this has been a very long post. but a positive one. hopefully i can post more positive stuff in the future. in the mean time, it's back to studying and coping.

break

2008-10-27T21:54:00.003+08:00

took an unofficial week's break from school this past week.really needed the break as i was very close to breaking down. went batam with the family for the weekend. had a good massage but felt under the weather. stomache seemed full of gas and ended up with fever when i came back. really sucks being sick. nothing feels right.

hopefully tomorrow i can restart my schooling engine once again and go for lectures, study etc. exams are in a month's time. not that much time to prepare. but i now think i can do it and pass all my modules, be it with just a D. hopefully it'll turn out well.

floorball's been alright. i feel that i'm regaining my touch and defensive instincts. the timing of my tackles is still a bit off but i'm confident i'll have it sorted out by ivp. speaking of which, i really hope i can make my debut ivp appearance this year. depression robbed me of that last year and year one was purely a learning experience in floorball. one major stumbling block though is the appointment of a new coach dennis. since he doesn't know me and my style of play, i'll have to prove myself all over again but i'm not the only one who needs to do so.

floorball girls having a friendly vs sim tomorrow. will be going down to support them and perhaps ref a bit though i really suck at being a ref. a good ref needs to be decisive and firm with his decisions which i'm not. anyway i hope they can win and sort of avenge the ivp 07/08 finals loss. having trained with them for these few months, i can feel a sense of attachment to them and i really want them to do well and win that elusive gold for this year's ivp.

that's it for now. hopefully my next entry won't be about another hospital stay.

freaking

2008-10-06T20:22:00.002+08:00

i am so stressed right now i'm freaking out. i've run out of people to talk to i don't know who else i can turn to. school is really giving me a big headache. i'm really not sure if i'll be able to graduate. i don't want to go back into hospital coz it'll mean i'll miss more lessons and be pushed further behind. but as day turns to night, the longer i'm holding on, the harder it is. hard to control my emotions, hard to fight away the recurring symptoms like having the urge to cut myself. i wish i could just cry. it'll help a lot. but i just cannot find tears in my eyes. everything is stuck inside of me i can't release it. been doing push ups to vent my frustrations but it doesn't help anymore and i can't do anymore push ups. i have this great feeling my life will end up as a failure. the biggest failure of all. it's like in a match, the dying seconds of it, and your team is down by 10 goals. there's no way you can win already. what is the point of fighting anymore i just don't see it. fight for a lost cause? the cause is already lost. there is no gain. losing is everything. everything is lost.

tomorrow is appointment with the good ol doctor. i know he will increase the dosage of my medicines. i doubt he will ward me unless i request to be warded. i said above that i don't wanna go back hospital but there's a small part of me which says it's better if i go. for my own good. but it's still hari raya visiting season. i don't want to rob my family of another season of goodwill and happiness. yet, the feeling i have inside me, it's indescribable.

oh man.. the urge grows ever stronger. =(

fail

2008-09-27T21:51:00.002+08:00

midterm break has come and almost nearly gone. my preparations for midterm tests next week have ground to a halt. brain just cannot take it anymore. i think i'm gonna fail at least 3 modules this sem. ss and the two core maths modules. then i think next sem i will fail more modules. i just cannot see myself graduating from nus. as days go by, the more it looks like i'll have to fall back on teaching degree at nie. just hope that if i do need to go that route, i can teach P.E. cos as long as i'm on track to teach P.E. i think i'll be fine since it's what i would really love to do. but back to the present, i will just keep on lumbering this sem and next and see my results. i know it'll be damn hard to convince my parents that my future does not lie in nus unless i get like warning letter for cap below 2.0 or something. haiz there's really a lot of invisible pressure on me to graduate from nus. it's invisible but i can feel every bit of it and it's really getting me down. a lot of that pressure can be relieved if i get to learn and own a bike but parents are totally against it. a car would be best but bike will do too since car is so damn ex to maintain here.

raya is coming in a few days and this week's been paint the house week. bit by bit, part by part, now basically all the major painting is done. left with some touching up here and there. the house seems to be about set for raya. oh we haven't buy this year's baju yet! haha. i think we'll be going jb on monday and probably buy it then. no kuih also. haiz monday spent in jb, tuesday have two tests. fail la. just f it.

man utd vs bolton on tv now. tataz.

this is how u remind me

2008-09-15T21:11:00.003+08:00

had appointment with psychologist today. so far i've been so busy with school and trainings and matches that i've hardly had time to feel any emotions. just so busy. drowned in busyness. but something the psychologist asked just now that suddenly made me go *bang!* whoa! i was reminded of something i don't wish to be reminded of. he asked,"how's the girl?" i was stunned speechless. just lost for words. my tone suddenly went down. i thought i had put those things behind me but he just had to bring it up. i guess it's his job to make sure and cover all angles. didn't tell him much. couldn't tell him much too since i haven't really been in contact with her. let's put it this way, i watched as she walked away and she continues to walk away. there's nothing i can do to stop her, it's her wish. all i can hope for is for time to heal her wounds and she would stop going further. i've tried to move on. i've kept myself busy to distract myself. it worked, only till now. the heartache is back. but i do not wish to repeat my mistakes. this time i'll let myself and only myself deal with the heartache without expressing it to anyone especially her. although i miss having a heart to heart conversation.

been performing below par in both hockey and floorball recently. the drive to perform is lacking. not sure if it's cos it's fasting month and i'm taking things easy. or i've just lost my ability. which is worse. i need something to push me. i'm not self-motivated enough. not at this point.

old and new

2008-09-04T15:50:00.003+08:00

crap loads of things have happened since my last post so i guess it's time for me to update. haven't had much time to blog anyways.

first, was hospitalized (again) in 2nd week of school can't remember the exact date. was in for about a week. was completely flat out depressed la. totally felt no reason to live. suicidal. perhaps it's because i kept thinking about my past failures and how foolish i had been and kept re-living those mistakes over and over again. it made my mood during the week prior to admission rather low. the final nail in the coffin came when i got rejected. by someone. i think it hurt me more since she had, during the short time i knew her, provided me with the light at the end of my tunnel. she had made me so very happy beyond this world but alas it was taken away just as swiftly. too suddenly it seemed. so everything turned dark. again. and i couldn't stand the darkness anymore. but as luck would have it, on that day i had an appointment with psychologist so i told him of my plans before i could act on it thus saving this person's life. update: it still seems dark now. i don't know how to get that light back. but i'm no longer suicidal.

next, school and training. my days are power packed with school and/or training except monday and certain sundays. tuesday is my longest day with lectures 12pm to 8pm then i will go girls floorball training till 930pm. i feel that i still need to attend their training to regain my touch plus work on my fitness. wednesday it's lectures 12pm to 4pm then guys floorball training 6pm to 10pm. shiok. training nowadays is more intense than previous years. still, i can't wait for physical training to start on thursdays. ah thursday. it's tutorial day 9am to 3pm. struggle to wake up in the morning from the exertions of the previous two days. friday is okay. lectures 4pm to 8pm then some combined uni hockey training at ntu till 10pm. i will usually leave lecture early to reach ntu by 730pm. saturday is floorball training 1230pm to 4pm. then some sundays will have hockey match with dMasters. then it starts all over again. power.

at the recently concluded comex my parents bought an early birthday present for me. a new laptop! woohoo! it's a fujitsu tablet. always wanted a tablet. plus my old lappy battery can now last a mere one hour. this new one can last up to four! i'm quite happy that i got a new lappy but somehow, it feels like there's something still missing in me. back to square one.

i just don't feel complete. having felt what it's like to be happy thank's to a certain someone, then having that same someone take it all away is just... no words can describe the disappointment and heartache. i've put those feelings behind me yet i cannot move on. i feel a certain emptiness inside me. not knowing how to fill it or whether it will ever be filled. i feel like crying but tears evade me. i wish this loneliness could end and end soon. otherwise, i think it will hamper my full recovery.

wah what a long post. end.

new

2008-08-14T00:02:00.002+08:00

been a month since my last post. guess i should update this blog. feel like blogging aniwaez.

the past month has been particularly difficult. had to deal with a very low mood the whole time as well as some hallucinations both visual and audible. ended with a week's stay in hotel Ward 12. dr roger was pretty keen on discharging me as early as possible so that i can continue my studies. like he said, this is my last chance at completing studies in nus. no more mc. no more leave of absence. final opportunity. kinda puts a lil pressure on me but i think i'm fine with it. so the hotel stay left me with an additional mood stabiliser to take every night. sighz. got 7 pills to swallow every night =(

on a brighter note, school restarted this week and i'm glad to say i'll be taking 6 modules this semester instead of the usual 5 since i'm 1 module short. and one of the modules is... chinese! yes! i'll be learning basic conversational and written chinese this semester! haha. and i managed to bid for it without bombing my points. i must say so far the chinese lessons have been very refreshing compared to the usual lectures. maybe it's because of my interest in learning the subject. even then, i have to tell myself that i only gotta last 13 weeks. after that i'll get a break. 13 weeks. that's all he's asking from u.

as for today..i don't know why but i feel so happy and excited today. so much so that it translated into a pretty good performance during training. i have not felt this happy in such a loooong time! i'm glad that it has come. thank God for it =))) on another happy note, i have made a new friend! a floorball girl. feels great to achieve something like that in an environment that doesn't really gives much chance of such things happening.

ok enough for now. ta ta!

frust

2008-07-13T21:37:00.002+08:00

i am very frustrated. i don't know why. just very frustrated. maybe because i want to do stupid things to myself but i don't want to. frust.

floorball camp has come and gone. so fast. first day was freaking tiring. started with 10km run then training then eat then games then more floorball then eat then sleep. day two went sentosa chill slack rilek jack play swim then eat then watch kung fu panda then play drinking games till 5 plus in the morning then cannot sleep so chill at fong seng till 7 plus then breakfast at engin then mini floorball tournament. oh day three alredi. i must say 3v3 floorball is so much more fun than 5v5. we should play 3v3 more often.

i don't know whether to check in or not. i'll try to tahan a few more days see how.

bad

2008-07-07T23:15:00.002+08:00

not feeling too good. feel like to doing bad things. feel like i'm constantly being watched.

didnt post anything in june. oh well. got B+ for principles of econs. which is not bad. a little better than i expected. my best grade so far.

floorball camp on thursday. yay. sick of floorball.

jaded

2008-05-28T23:26:00.003+08:00

i'm jaded as far as floorball's concerned. it's all so very routine. maybe i've been doing defending too much. a change of position would mean new things to learn and perhaps that would make me more interested in the game. the game itself though is rather boring. perhaps it's because of our style of play. nobody bar 1 or 2 people can actually do things out of the box. perhaps there's too much running or sometimes not enough running into the correct positions. i don't feel like going training on saturday. but i'll probably go since there's nothing else to do. and saturday night there'll be some birthday celebrations over at changi beach. wonder what we're gonna do other than chilling.

if only i can inject myself with some talent. or maybe fitness level up. lots of levels up. what if we can inject ourselves with anything in the world like.. intelligence? what would happen if everybody were smart? i think it'd be quite interesting but at times rather boring. nobody would be doing stupid things. i don't know. what do you think? hmmmm....

sheeeeeeshaaaaaaaa

2008-05-26T23:02:00.002+08:00

had a great time sheesha-ing wif don n khai n chillin at al azhar. looong time since i chilled like that and it looks like a looong time before i can do it again. don's dilemma: will we still be chillin like we are 5 years down the road? God knows but i sure hope so. that's if i'm still around in this world. i think i should be a lot more stable once i finish my uni studies. if i can complete it. i really want to finish as fast as possible but i can't put too much pressure on myself or i'll go haywire.

before chillin, had school 10-12 and floorball clinic 430-6. i must say i've been pretty jaded by floorball for the past few weeks until the session today. i just couldn't figure it out. floorball didn't seem to be as fun as before, just very boring doing the same old things almost like a routine. i needed a change or just something to inject life into my floorball game. that's when i resorted to hockey. went for a hit around sometime last week. felt so much better after that though my hockey skills have dropped tremendously from lack of training or playing for that matter. for a while hockey seemed a lot more exciting than floorball.

but i think the clinic injected some life into my floorball. had a good hour and a half of basics. just basics. at the end of it my wrist shot improved. i think. well i hope so. heh. wednesday we'll see at training. must use more upper body rotation instead of just focusing on the arms for power. i knew that for the longest time but i just couldn't seem to do it. but i'm still shooting better on the wrong (right) foot. i just can't feel as stable shooting on the left foot. aniwaez, looking forward to the studying session with dons before training after tutorial. get some studying done before the last minute rush. i'm midway through the special sem already.

i'm reluctant to say it but life's been alright so far. yeah so far. don't wanna suddenly fall into relapse again once i say everything's okay. the anti-depressants should be just about beginning to work. yet i don't really feel that much different other than not having thoughts of harming myself. school is keeping me occupied mondays to wednesdays. now training will resume on wednesday and saturday. i still don't know how to fill my thursdays n fridays. hoping for people to ask me out but i guess they're busy. then once special sem ends in about 3 weeks time i once again find myself with nothing to do on most days. haiz. i really dread not having things to do to occupy myself. the chances of relapsing will be so high. hopefully i'll be stable enough by then to stay okay.

finally got my hands on teenage mutant ninja turtles movie. the first one not the recent animated movie. the last time i watched it was donkey years ago. gonna watch it tomorrow afternoon after school. yeah!

long entry for the lack of updating. i guess that's all for now.

hi

2008-05-10T16:54:00.002+08:00

hello.yet again i return.from another week in hospital.feeling better now than i was at the last post.played floorball today.not that fun but ok la.gonna have mothers' day dinner celebrations at uncle's house tonight.school starts on monday.

school starts on monday.

bye

2008-05-06T12:28:00.002+08:00

i just want to end it all. i've been so much trouble for so many people. they deserve better. i don't want to keep being a nuisance for all of them. they'd be better off with me gone. i'm sorry but that's the way i think. there'll be no more going back and forth to the hospital for them.

i'm so sorry.

back again

2008-05-05T21:02:00.002+08:00

oh hello bloggiee.was away for the last week of april cos i got admitted again.was having delusionary suicidal thoughts.yet, after 3 days out discharged, i don't feel any better. felt more at ease when i was in the ward. tonight i'm trying to sort of ride out the night and thoughts. hopefully when i wake up tomorrow i'll feel a lot better than now. now i just feel like going back to the ward. but when i'm in there i just wanna come out. stuck between 2 places. i know i can't keep depending on the ward to keep me safe. i need to learn to think safely and positively. but i can't help but think that depression is slowly creeping back into my life again. been about 2 months since i went off meds for depression. for some reason, it was a sudden stop. part of me felt glad it ended to quickly but now. haiz.

school's starting in a week. wonder what would happen then.

trouble

2008-04-22T00:27:00.002+08:00

troubled times ahead it seems. i might have some problems going on in the near future. struggling to keep going. struggling to find things to keep me going. might fall back to the depressed state. really hope i don't.

if you could. be here. with me. by my side. right now. i'll never let u go.

1 more year

2008-04-17T13:36:00.002+08:00

sometimes i still do get negative thoughts like i can't go on, i can't do it but so far i've been able to push those thoughts away and insert positive ones. the doc said i've made good progress but it'll take about another year before he can start discussing to take me off meds. one more year of waking up at 8 every morning to pop pills. hopefully things go well from here.

got my first pay yesterday after completing the week's tuition. yay! i feel so much richer now. aniwae i think the kid has potential especially in maths. need to work harder for his english.

the only one

2008-04-13T20:05:00.002+08:00

she's the only one. no matter what i do, haiz, there's nothing i can do. except sit back and watch as the lil gurl continues to grow up. she's not gonna go away and i can't run away. we'll always be tied. our paths going side by side, never connecting. even for a brief moment. i wish i could say it all. but it'll just be like last time. move apart, only to come closer again. closer, but not close enough.

gonna start reducing my ciggie count. shall start with 8. rationing is the way to go for now. slowly reduce daily intake.

quit?

2008-04-10T23:02:00.002+08:00

isit time to quit smoking?been thinking about it lately. just thinking though. cos i'm now at 10 sticks a day. that's half a pack. having to buy another pack every 2 days is just..broking me. but i'm totally hooked now. it's also a way to pass time. haiz..

tuition starts on tuesday.

hockey

2008-04-08T21:01:00.003+08:00

tmr gonna look around at hockey sticks. dunno whether to get sam's one or a new one. nevermind just go look around tmr. gonna play div2 hockey with src. that's if i'm accepted on friday. hope i am. looooong time never touch hockey stick already. lost my touches everything. fitness dont need to say la. need to get turf shoes also. hmm i think i wrote this already. nevermind just type again. nothing to do anyways. going supper later with the floorball peeps at sheares.

Saints 3 - 3 RP Salibandy

2008-04-06T15:37:00.002+08:00

yeah we did it! we'll be playing in div1 next season! woohooo! and we almost won. maybe should've won. took the lead 3 times but all 3 times they came back to equalise. kept a clean sheet again =) okay so the season is finally over. done. finish.

now to hockey. think (if i can) i'll join src for div2. means i gotta get a hockey stick. n turf shoes. more shopping! they have training every friday. something to look forward to after the floorball season.

pre-match

2008-04-06T09:25:00.003+08:00

harlo! feeling nice and confident before today's final league match vs rp salibandy. it's been said that if we played the way we did vs nemesis + take our chances, we can get a result today. i also feel confident that even if we do lose (hope not), we'll still be able to stay up in div1. which is i don't think ssb and ntu will draw (hope not). as for the league champion, i hope moosemen and innebandy draw then zarf can win. played vs all three teams and i've been most impressed with zarf, the way they play. well, we shall see what happens later in the day....

Saints 0 - 2 Nemesis

2008-03-30T21:35:00.002+08:00

we could have won it in the first 2 periods. especially the first. but our shooting let us down. me included. had several attempts on goal none of which hit the target. haiz. in the end the lack of defenders, we only had 2 defensive pairs, meant that our dear defenders were totally shagged out by the fast forwards they had. good thing is if we keep the intensity of this match for our last game vs rp we might just get a result. but 2 defensive pairs is really 2 defenders too few.

i don't understand girls.

thank you to whoever left the comment. would be glad if u left ur name/link next time =)

joy of airhooking

2008-03-25T10:23:00.002+08:00

bought unihoc evo3 CURVE yesterday.haha. cost me $250!now i'm so broke.but at least i finally have the curve!gonna unleash the curve tonight.think i'll take some time to get used to it though.furthermore it's shorter than my other sticks.hope it's long enough...oh i can finally airhook!with the evo3 hook blade la...haha

found a very nice quote: "if the mind yearns for something strong enough, the body can sometimes perform above its limitations." kool huh....

applied for several jobs including relief teaching.there's this ambulance driver job that's screaming at me to apply for it.i dunno.something's holding me back.should i go for it?

i really feel like a brand new person.but one with a darkened past.

div1

2008-03-16T07:29:00.003+08:00

haiz cant really sleep.now my eyes are stinging. gots a match vs blacks later but i'm not well rested.hope i won't be as sluggish n soft as during yesterday's training.it's a must win match and i really wanna win.the season's not over, anything can happen in the last 3 matches so i think we still have an outside chance of staying up in div1. what an achievement it'll be if we manage to pull it off. we certainly can't let in too many goals and they've proved that they can score at this level. they've even scored more than we have so far. what really bugs me is that we've been rather toothless going forward. nobody really dictating the play ups. well, we didn't have the preparation the Saints team of 2007 had and sadly the commitment in training is lacking from this year's team. but what's done is done, three quarters of the season is already over. last week's result was really disappointing especially since we played quite well. hope it spurs on the guys even more to win today.

hey F1's starting again today. gotta check the race schedules. haiz i still can't find tamiya stuff anywhere. i wanna buy a diy car model. anybody knows where i can find such stuff??let me know k.i'll give u a thousand kissesss.haha ciaozzzz

back home

2008-03-11T09:58:00.002+08:00

hello. i'm back. belated post. the wednesday after my last post, i got admitted again. stayed for 3 weeks till last wednesday. i must say the stay this time round was a lot better than previously. the first week i had hassan, a smoking buddy to hang around with. the second week i played scrabble every morning with uncle raj. the third week i had kak mala to hang around with and pour out our feelings at each other. so it wasn't the boring i wanna get out asap kind of stay. although towards the end when i felt a lot better like a normal person i started wanting to get out and taste normal life again. a little something of what i've done the past week since discharge:

the night of the discharge went training =) sunday night had a must win relegation battle vs singapore school boys. similar to the ntu game, we went 3-1 up but lost 3-4 in the end. managed to keep a cleen sheet for my defensive pair though. felt my overall performance was pretty good despite the thigh strain and ankle dunno what. then yesterday took my first drive since discharge. feels good to be driving again. later will be going shopping with 2 of my cuzzins. gotta add that "magic" muscle spray to my shopping list cos my thigh's really killin me.

i think i've been going at it the wrong way. i kept wanting to have my old life back when in fact, i'm sort of a different person now than who i was. so it's time to start a new life. what's past is past. i can't be who i was anymore. i've gotta change. times have changed. situations have changed. relationships have changed. it's a new life that i've got to look forward to. it's been a long while since i last felt like a normal person. i hope this lasts.

slash

2008-02-12T16:13:00.000+08:00

feel like slashing my forehead. let the blood flow down my face. maybe even rip my scalp apart. got about an hour to resist. going training after that. if i can resist it.

boredom

2008-02-11T20:39:00.001+08:00

i need to find something to do to fill up my time. floorball can only take up so much of my time there's still a million hours each day spent doing nothing which just makes me sleep and sleep and sleep till sleeping doesn't feel like resting anymore. rest is certainly missing. sleep is just to make time past faster.

going cafe del mar later with i don't who for sw's birthday. at least i gets to drive. and do something. hopefully there'll be lots of laughs with the same company again. kool peeps.

everything is just simmering underneath it all. WHAT LIES BENEATH. true. it's all lying beneath a facade. that's the current tactic so to speak. to keep it under wraps for as long as humanly possible and longer.

i think i should cut the salming stick. then it'll become the attacking stick. fatpipe can become the defending stick. then curve can be 2-in-1. can't wait to get the curve.

CNY

2008-02-07T19:27:00.000+08:00

tough. that's the only word for it. trying to keep it up for another day or two since the tickets have already been purchased and paid for. it's either i crumble when i get back or i just feel a lot better. hopefully it's the latter but you never know. in the mood to self-destruct again.

he just tries as hard as he can but when it comes to the crunch, he isn't strong enough to face up to the challenge. at the end of the day, he is on his own. oh man this is so freakin tuff.

Saints 1 - 14 Innebandy

2008-02-04T22:51:00.000+08:00

yesterday. at least we got a goal. the team played better than last week. i scored an own goal. didn't play much again cos fitness still not up there yet. timing n touches getting there. not too bad la. the only way we can go is up so it's good.

today. went fatpipe. bought stick n grip. spent $210. freak 27 is the stick. quite light. new experience though it reminds me of my first stick. $190 for one piece of equipment. hope it lasts. new nick: syafreak27. so it's a good thing my jersey number nowadays is 27.

tomorrow. hopefully will make it to the mixed hit around session tomorrow. then can try out the new stick.

now. feeling kinda down. i think it's cos i'm very tired. haiz. i can't be tired. when i'm tired i have a very high chance of getting an episode. it feels so easy to give up now. if there isn't hit around session tomorrow i think i'd have given up alredi. argh it's so tough. read the letters again yesterday. one of it said "at least we don't give up". hope to find some inspiration from that. i kinda miss that place. sgh ward 46a. plus having that medication which made me eat like mad. if only that pill didn't cost so much. wouldn't mind eating it.

ok. i'm losing grip.

desire

2008-02-01T18:42:00.000+08:00

i think i could have my life back! was close to another episode but somehow i managed to fight it off. i'm so happy. i did it! finally! could this be the start of a new beginning? i hope so. things are once again looking bright. fewer posts here also seem to indicate positivity =)

been on the up and up ever since dear doc increased the anti-depressants. i think now it's beginning to work and i'm feeling much better. better for me, better for all. thank you for your patience in helping me get through those difficult periods. now what i need is continuity. oh please, please, please let me get a bike license.

i hope it's not a false sense of self-belief.

Saints 0 - 12 ZARF

2008-01-26T23:14:00.000+08:00

thrashed again. expected la this one. they played very fair n really outclassed us. we didnt play too bad actually. was only 2-0 down after 1st period. didnt play much today cos i dunno why but just so tired. ended up puking midway thru 3rd period. long time since i last ran until i puked. the feeling after puking was very nice though. very relieved.

he's in need of your constant attention. something you cannot give.

running on empty

2008-01-25T20:13:00.000+08:00

the past few days have been pretty good considering what's been happening recently. finally drove again today after more than a month. just a short drive from adam road food centre back home. hopefully i can drive to the match tomorrow. then dad can come home and get some much needed sleep.

oh ya i forgot to mention a clean sheet for line 1 last match. but we still lost so wtf.

i know what i need. it is something which i cannot get. not right now. and i'm slowly beginning to believe that i won't ever get it. i always tried to be honest. this is what i get in return. been trying to be strong for those around me. i think they've gone through a lot to get me this far. please note, there's only so much i can do. don't expect too much. i could fail at any time.

oh ya again. burnt a patch of hair on tuesday. now there's sort of a bald spot at the front of my head. quite ugly.

Saints 3 - 4 NTU Hurricanes

2008-01-20T23:25:00.000+08:00

wastedddd. we really should've won this one. like what sw said, "too bad floorball is a game of 3 periods not 2." i think 70% of my board passes were cut off today :(

i don't know what else to say. had some things on my mind just now but they all just vanished into thin air. aniwaez i'm so tired that i've become fresh. oh ya. i can't get too tired. otherwise i'll go crazy. my thoughts will just go crazy. the facade is going quite well. i don't seem at all depressed. just depends on how long i can keep it going.

can somebody read my mind?

Saints 2 - 12 Moosemen

2008-01-19T21:52:00.000+08:00

not bad. better than expected. quite surprised we managed 2 goals. almost freaking fainted on the court in the middle of 2nd period. lack of oxygen in the body. was yawning like mad everytime i was sitting at the bench. its ntu tomorrow but i'm just so tired.

i don't know how many games i'll play. i don't know how long more i can stay away from hospital. it seems i'm getting closer and closer to another hospital stay instead of recovery.

only you can make me smile. genuinely. the rest is a facade.

Sum 41 - Pieces

2008-01-18T21:31:00.000+08:00

I tried to be perfect
but nothing was worth it
I don't believe it makes me real
I thought it'd be easy
but no one believes me
I meant all the things I said
If you'd believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don't know how it got so bad
Sometimes it's so crazy
But nothing can save me
But it's the only thing that I have
If you'd believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn't worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It's hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along
If you'd believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own

nice song. something i had to do was done not too long ago. i really rather not do it but i had to. not for me. what's done is done. i shall have to live with the consequences of my actions. i just wish........ it put a genuine smile on my face.

med

2008-01-18T14:26:00.000+08:00

so the recently prescribed med wasn't working. it's off the list. anti-depressants have been increased. was wondering when it was gonna happen. clearly something isn't right. ok whatever. i'm just so tired. sleeping doesn't help. just feel like lying around all day all night. gots a match tomorrow. i think i'll be very lethargic. things aren't going so well at the moment. it hasn't been going well for a long time.

at the end of the day, they can only do so much. it's up to you to prioritise. he lacks the ability to do so. if you can understand.

2008-01-17T12:07:00.000+08:00

more cuts. more pain. more suffering. this is the only place left where i can rest. suffering. that's right. i'm suffering. it hurts so much that i've become so numb. i wanna run away.

blame me. think what you like. strength has eluded me. yet i'm still here. somehow. i don't know why i'm still here. or what's keeping me here. after all that has happened, i still want to be here.

it's not your fault. i'm only you. (what??)

parts

2008-01-16T15:26:00.000+08:00

part of me wants to go on. part of me has died. i know not when which part will surface. in pieces i now am. many many pieces. more than humpty dumpty. heh.

loser

2008-01-16T00:04:00.001+08:00

it's a neverending battle. every single moment i'm faced with thoughts of how to best hurt myself without having to go to hospital. if it's not physical pain, it's emotional pain. when will all of this stop? will it ever end?

the guy's match put everything into perspective. what does it mean to you? do you care enough to be emotional or do you just move on like nothing happened. "it's only a game afterall". what you have failed to realise that in the game of life, you only have one chance to prove your worth. there's no such thing as second chances. lose and you will lose your life forever. you may get up after you fall but the fact is, you fell! and by falling, i don't know. i don't have the energy or desire to get up. i'm tired of being pushed on to keep on going. can't you see? just like a game, some win while others lose. perhaps i'm one of those who just has to lose.

the losing mentality has been bred onto me since i was a kid. i don't know how to win. winning feels wrong. losing is the right thing to do. when i lose, others will win. everybody's happy. i am happy to lose?

in this lifetime of sadness, i long for that one moment of joy. one that perhaps could rekindle the light at the end of the tunnel. i thought i found that moment but it turns out i was wrong. now i have to look elsewhere. time is running out for me. can you help me find it?

none needed

2008-01-14T23:19:00.000+08:00

to do it would be worse than killing myself. perhaps it's the only way out of this. to let it all come out. truth be told.

ready for it here we go

2008-01-14T15:24:00.000+08:00

it's time to move away. without ever saying goodbye. slowly but surely leaving the place of comfort. to find a certain answer to the endless questions. let the truth be hidden. it's time to move away. go now or forever be stuck in the middle of nothing.

words of encouragement fill me with angst. perhaps i do not feel understood. perhaps i am asking for too much and giving away too little. shhhh it shall never be known.

saints training

2008-01-12T17:02:00.000+08:00

went to train today despite what happened yesterday. i really wanted to go. was waiting for it the whole week n it kept me going though at times i didnt feel like playing. aniwaez today's training was alrite. getting my touch n timing back. just still very unfit n slowww. but overall i think it's the best performance since i first got admitted.

next sat n sun we'll be having our first two matches for league. this after having just one training in our lines. haha. at least 4/5 of my line is the same as last year so we sort of know each other's style. still need to train together though.

as i sat there waiting, i wondered, is it really worth it? i've become so dependent on ppl that i guess i'm afraid of living my own life by myself, needing someone to be there with me all the way. i just dont know how to be alone.

lost yesterday

2008-01-12T16:53:00.000+08:00

yesterday.terrible day.lost control of myself, my mind. cos i was just so frustrated and i couldn't let it out. apparently, as narrated by my family members, this is what i did:
burnt my hair with a lighter (juz a little bit before my dad saw n stopped me)
scratched the scars
poured water n tea on myself when given to drink
threw bread when given to eat
kicked the wall
walked round n round n round n round around the dining table
kept getting up to walk after sitting/lying down
kept trying to go out of the house (my mum locked the gate)
tried to hit my head against a few things

apparently it all lasted several hrs. from abt noon till abt 8? 9? when i 'woke up'. they called some 'spiritual healers' n i supposedly became violent. they insist i was disturbed by some cant be seen things. i dont know what to believe alredi. oh the ambulance came n i didnt wanna go hospital so they let me sign some form n they left. police came too to support the ambulance ppl just in case. n my jaw freaking hurts now.

it DOES help

2008-01-10T16:17:00.000+08:00

yes it HELPS! better than any of the drugs those docs have been giving me. all it needed was a few cuts and there u have it. the feeling of blood rushing down my hand was just awesome! the adrenalin rush. is this the answer i've been looking for?

feeling alot better now. not as frustrated. not as stressed. not as depressed. sort of on a high. lets see how long the effects of the new 'drug' will last.

now to find a place to hide my weapon of choice before it gets confiscated by them guards again.

oh no..

2008-01-09T21:48:00.000+08:00

it's silently killing me inside as i try to suppress it with every breath i take. it wouldn't take much for everything to burst out.

i'm falling deeper and deeper into somewhere i shouldn't be. this could potentially be a trigger.

on a lighter note, a good friend said he wants to see me back on the courts and playing again. it gives me great encouragement when someone tells me something like that, when someone is surprised that i'm not playing. yes i was good. but being the impatient person that i am, i guess i want to get back to that level immediately. sometimes i feel like i could have done the job if i was selected but i know it would have been a big risk. hitting around just confirms that the decision was correct. i'm really totally out of shape.

just an update on the meds i'm on:
fluoxetine 40mg
lamotrigine 100mg
sulpiride 400mg

i have a feeling i'm getting the side effects from the newly prescribed lamotrigine. muscle aches and fatigue. it's hampering my recovery process. next appointment is next week.

run

2008-01-08T22:25:00.000+08:00

not running away. just went for a run this afternoon.
2.4km timing: 13:52
20min distance: 2900m
hopefully more runs to come. reduce the timing, increase the distance.

silently living on the edge these days. it'll just take a little tiny itch and there you have it. gone.

official diagnosis

2008-01-05T21:26:00.000+08:00

the latest official diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder. depressive kind.

feeling very frustrated right now. the thoughts juz don't seem to go away.

really need to talk to someone.

can you be there?

Happy? 2008

2008-01-02T20:02:00.000+08:00

what happened between the last post and now is... 3 periods of hospital stays, loads of misery, extreme loss of fitness, dropped from team, extreme loss of interest in everything.
imh is a prison in disguise.

head's full of negativity and i can't get it to stop. it's not something i can just snap out of.

i'm feeling sick =(

tough days

2007-09-26T00:30:00.000+08:00

been really tough these couple of days and nights. unable to really fall asleep, continuously thinking of stuff nobody in his right mind should ever think of. the teh tarik session with floobies just now really helped to take my mind off some of it. they're a great bunch of people.

it's back to fighting once again. nobody said it was easy, nobody said it was gonna be this hard.

trouble ahead

2007-09-24T21:03:00.000+08:00

oh no..... just..... oh no.

Three 'P's

2007-09-22T23:18:00.000+08:00

Pain Pleasure Penknife.

no i have not cut myself. but the thoughts are still there. and it gets more tempting. i would if there isn't something to look forward to like floorball training and matches.

cutting will land you in prison. i do not agree with it.

choo choo chop

2007-09-21T21:40:00.000+08:00

found a really nice place to chillax and watch trains go by. those locomotive trains, not mrt. it's sort of a mini park in a very old hdb estate. i would love to buy one of the apartments there and live the rest of my life. hidden, away from the hectic city life.

yet another tiring day feeling all tired. my eyes been stinging ever since afternoon. don't know why. took them pills today. the relaxants don't seem to be working. can't be i need a higher dosage so fast right?

what if i fail? this tiredness just fills me with all sorts of negative thoughts and i'm trying all i can to push them away. would it be that dark should i not be able to resist it? it doesn't even make sense to my why i'm feeling all down and negative. it doesn't make any sense why i feel like cutting myself. somehow it just seems all so tempting if i just don't think about the consequences.

confused

2007-09-20T21:04:00.000+08:00

had counselling today. i'm to decide between two things:

1) work to change my way of thinking, to be more positive and all that. learn how to push the pain away. eventually to get out of depression.

2) absorb all the pain and just remain the way i am. however, no "cheating". i.e. no cutting, suicide etc.

i really don't know which to choose. it may seem bloody obvious to choose the first option but.. there's a huge reluctance in me to go through with it. something like, just let me be.

she said i'm not sick. i don't have any mental illness. but i keep being like this then it's highly likely that i will develop some form of mental illness in my 30s. and when that happens, it'll be extremely difficult, almost impossible to get better. sigh. to think that it's already so hard now.

another thing she said that i can remember now. pain is addictive. as weird as it may sound, it's true. i'm addicted to pain. thinking hurtful thoughts serves to feed my addiction. on a more minor scale, i love to press my bruises.

i think things aren't going well. i'm so tired.

the first post

2007-09-20T01:43:00.000+08:00

i've decided to chronicle my battle against depression here in addition to the usual blogging. more for the latter though. just to keep track of my progress. shall try to update it daily. if you happen to read this, feel free to leave a message.

background information: chronic depression plus possible anxiety disorder/low self esteem.
medication: fluoxetine, lorazepam
plus the help of a psychiatrist n counsellor

at the end of the day, this is MY fight.

so it began on Tuesday 28 August 2007. actually, before that. i had initially submitted the withdrawal letter to the school. i hate school. going to lectures and tutorials are really emotionally tough. not having that close group of buddies to hang out and study with made it impossibly tough. despite talking to several people, i found that nobody could really understand me especially when i told them i didnt see the point of getting a degree and earning big bucks. i didnt want to earn big bucks. money had caused a whole lot of problems to me before. i felt that i had become a spoilt brat who could get whatever he wished for. so i yearned to live the "hard life". walked to school, starved myself but no matter what i did i was never satisfied with the amount of hardship i went through.

then there's the nights. there was a point i absolutely hated and feared night time. because i couldn't sleep without thinking of, imagining things that would hurt me. still have this problem. i just crave for the pain i feel in my "heart". so every night i will break my own heart. even when i didn't want to think of such things, i just can't help it. it's like my mind will go on auto-pilot and fill itself with such thoughts.

the first week after seeing the counsellor for the first time went by quite well. still had a lot of desire and will power to get better. the initial side effects of the anti-depressant were nausea and a very weird feeling, something like tiredness. but the nausea was worse. when your stomach is empty usually u'll feel hungry but whenever my stomach was empty i'd feel like vomitting. met up with the counsellor for the first treatment appointment. my whole body tensed up midway through the session. she told me to relax and did some breathing exercises to calm myself down. at the end of the session she gave me homework. i was to do something that would make myself feel good e.g. lunch with buddies instead of alone etc.

the couple of days after that first session went like the first week. things were looking on the up. had lunch with a good friend in school on one of the days. somehow, my mood just dipped during the weekend and on monday, it got really bad. other than feeling so tired that i just could not wake up to go 10am lecture, i skipped all afternoon classes too. i think the tiredness played a big part. i felt that i could not go on fighting this. negative thoughts came back. what i was trying to do no longer made any sense to me. missed the whole week of lessons. cancelled counselling too. i didn't see any sense in going counselling. it was back to feeling alone and useless. the mind was bombarded with thoughts of cutting myself. i even thought that i should cut my feet/toes so that i can cover up by wearing shoes. thankfully, i did not go through with the cutting. the whole week was just battling to get my mood back up. oh and i skipped the anti-depressants for 5 days.

the following monday came. still didnt feel too good about myself but i didnt want to feel that way the rest of my life. though sometimes i do. had an appointment with the psychiatrist. told him the above and stuff so he prescribed the relaxants to help me sleep since my sleep is interrupted. couldn't sleep more than 3hours without waking up. he says to take one pill. two pills will make it a sleeping pill. if i really need to take two then i should take it, otherwise, stick to just one. monday also, restarted on the anti-depressants. so tuesday there was a bit of the side effects again. fasting made it harder. wednesday is today. over the past three days, i've been trying not to talk about this. just keep it to me. because it's my fight. others can't help me. they can give words of encouragement and support but it really is my own fight. on the outside i've just been pretending that i'm alright. inside, i'm very messed up. i still do have frequent thoughts of cutting myself. hope i can stay strong and keep fighting those thoughts.

that's about it for now. till the next entry. cya.